Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
