Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
