if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
