she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
