I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
