Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
