dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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