my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
