worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
