I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
