Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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