I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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