No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Randomize
