3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
