i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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