i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
