My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
