Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
