Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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