i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
