I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
