can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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