two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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