just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
