my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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