Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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