Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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