I met the friendliest cop last night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
