remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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