My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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