you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
