i just sent this text using only my big toe
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
