Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
