I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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