do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
