I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
