That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
