new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
