i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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