Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
