Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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