RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
