and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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