we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
