Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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