I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
