His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
