I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
