Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
