and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
