I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
