I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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